Dating As A Single Parent

For a single parent returning to dating, half of the journey is in actually coming to the decision to 'get back in the game'. But after that... where to begin? 



Whether you've already decided to start dating again or you're still in the earlier stages of considering a move back into the dinner-and-a-movie scene, there are various things to bear in mind and we've got a few tips to help you get started...


When is the right time to start dating?

 If the thought of dating again makes you excited, you are ready to get yourself out there. Whether you're already 'of a certain age', working full time, have your hands full with younger kids, have your hands full with older kids (!) or are worried about what those around you may think, there is always going to be something stopping you for going after what you want. if you do want to find love again, that is the only thing that really matters. You can make it work with the life that you have. 



How do I get started?

We're obviously fans of online dating; it enables you to start dating as soon as you decide to (instead of having to wait around for a suitor!), and is something you can focus on when you've finished work or the kids have gone to sleep. HelloYou is a perfect solution to dating when you've got a particularly busy lifestyle. 

When should I reveal I have kids?

This is an understandable dilemma, but ultimately we recommend disclosing your mini-me from the get go. Yes, you might get approached by fewer people but chances are there will be fewer time-wasters clogging your inbox too; and that can only be a good thing. The people who are interested in you will be all the more genuine if they know you have kids already; they may even be single parents themselves. We recommend a brief comment in your 'About Me' section that says you're a parent, but keeping the rest of your profile really focussed on who you are aside from your family. 




How do I talk to my kids about dating?

The answer to this question combines two classic sayings; honesty is the best policy and less is more. If your kids are old enough to actually realise you're going out for the evening, we recommend finding an appropriate way to tell them you're dating, while reassuring them that this won't detract from the amount of time and love you have to spend on them! From then onwards, 'less is more' comes in. Obviously answering your child's question about your date will be different to answering a friend's question; keep it short, sweet and simple. Although you're finding time to focus on yourself, kids generally want their parent to be available on demand 24/7 so it's important to let them know that your dating isn't going to impact that. Overall, we recommend that you simply keep aware of what your kids are feeling about your dating life and being sure to acknowledge those feelings with them, without needing that to compromise how you go about your life. 



When should I introduce my new partner to my kids?

It is important to bear in mind that some children form attachments very quickly, and being introduced to someone only for them to disappear could be disruptive upon your child's belief system. What this DOESN'T mean is that you should never introduce your family to your new partner! While it is too soon to bring someone into your kids' lives after only a few dates, once you are in an exclusive relationship in which you feel stable and safe, there is no reason to hide it from your children. Making the initial meeting take place in an informal setting is often best; perhaps even in your home. This way your child is at their most comfortable and is more likely to be able to bond with your new partner. 

What if my child doesn't like them?

It's true that a lot of children resent their 'evil stepmother', but this doesn't need to be the case. Younger children might just need time to adjust and come round to the idea, but older children can be quick to realise that your new partner will mean less attention is available for them, and could start to resent them or rebel. They just need to know they still have your love and attention regardless of you dating. Be an open door when it comes to discussing any concerns. While it could take a little time, honesty with your children and within your relationship will be sure to smooth the transition. (See 'Stepmom' for a classic example!)

Do I need to introduce my ex to the new person in my life?

Despite potential for the mother of all awkward situations, if you and your new partner are in a long term, committed relationship, or even moving towards living together or marrying, it is important for the ex and the newbie to meet. Despite the strangeness of it, it will ultimately ease tensions for everyone; especially your children. We recommend holding the initial meeting away from little ones/teens though; they don't want to be privy to grown-up politics, but it is nicer for them if dad's girlfriend and mum can get along so that they don't have to feel their loyalties to each parent being tested.

If you have any more specific questions about dating as a single parent, feel free to comment below or tweet @HelloYouDating. 

What NOT To Do On Your Dating Profile

We've given you endless hints and tips for filling in your dating profile and flirting with your date as you sip drinks on a rooftop bar at sunset, but finding out what NOT to do can be a little harder to come by. What should you definitely avoid writing in your profile? Does it contain any easily avoidable turn-offs that might be driving other quality members away? Let's clarify the DON'Ts of online dating:

1. "I can't believe I'm doing this"

It's 2015; I think I read something last week about self driving cars and robots that humans can genuinely have sex with. 

My point being: having an online dating profile is no longer an awkward confession to make to your friends. Millions of people do it, have done it, and have met their soulmates through doing it. Plus, a comment like this insinuates that you're only dating online as a last resort and your heart's not fully in it, and the people you meet that way (who, SURPRISE, will be online daters too) probably won't appreciate that kind of attitude. Be positive, and you'll get a lot more out of the experience. 

2. Don’t Lie

Honesty is the best policy. Don't you want someone to like you for you? Have a read of our article about Dating Lies for some more info about lying online. 

3. Be positive

Someone who's looking for romance in their life will not want a moping, moaning, gloomy love interest. 

So you're single, so you've had a few bad dates, so you could be crying daily about whatever isn't right about your life, but it's unlikely that that attitude will be attractive to a potential suitor. Fake it till you make it: starting out cheerful and upbeat will attract someone of that disposition and that is likely to brighten your life in the long term. 

4. "Moonlit walks and quiet evenings by the fireplace sipping wine."

Sorry, I just fell asleep. Comments like this are highly average I'm afraid, so steer clear. Yes, unless you're afraid of the dark, moonlit walks are great and the fireside is obviously a majorly cosy location. 

But this doesn't tell us much about you as a person; everyone is ‘fun-loving’, ‘loves to travel’ and 'isn't sure what else to write!'. Make your profile stand out from the crowd. Use playful language, unique examples and give it a conversational feel, as if you were actually talking to the person in a bar.

5. Ex marks the zero chance of a successful date

It may not be obvious to you at the time, but when someone mentions their ex in a profile that is supposed to portray them, it makes it clear that you're not over said lad/lady. While you're at it, don't bring up the ex for the first few dates either.

6. "Looking for someone fun but down to earth"

Don't say what you want your man to be like, and ESPECIALLY don't say what you don't want him to be like. This can come across as desperate, demanding and/or high maintenance, which is never going to draw someone in (wait until they've fallen for you before you reveal your crazy, duh). Instead of being picky in your profile, turn on your inner Simon Cowell once you actually start to receive messages. That way you get all the options and you can whittle them down in your own time to your heart's content.

7.  You are only as good as your worst picture

A picture is worth 1000 words. You may have five great profile pictures posted, but if that sixth picture is a dodgy one it could very easily send someone running. Frustrating as this obsession with looks is, it's largely unavoidable when a few images and lines of text are all someone has to go by, so try and present yourself in your very best light. It's also worth saying that sexualising your photo gallery won't score you many dates either. You may receive messages but it won’t be for the right reasons.

8.  Don't go on and on

 Psychologically, small sections of text seem more appealing and approachable than chunky paragraphs.  Structure your profile in small, two to three sentence sections, with each area focussing into a different area of who you are. We reckon you'll get much more success that way. 

So all that's left to say is...

The Shift from Online Dating into the Real World

Congratulations! Your profile and effortlessly witty conversation online has landed you an actual date in The Real World. Now what?

Sooner rather than later

Although you’ve met online, both of you are obviously looking to meet someone who you can have a relationship with offline.  This means that however perfect things seem to be going via the Internet, you do need to actually meet the person in real life as soon as possible if you want the relationship to go anywhere. Dragging out your back and forth messages is unrealistic and could give you false hopes about the person you’re talking with.

Planning the date

While dinner and a movie is a classic, there’s limited opportunity to chat to your date in the dark cinema and it’s not great if you realise half way through that you don’t like them as much as you’d thought. Instead go for something more creative that shows off who you are, or simply coffee or drinks, which gives you the chance to escape if you want to or extend the date if you’re getting on well! Maybe try a brunch date or one of our active date ideas. 

Just because you met online…

It doesn’t mean your usual manners should go out the window!

Even if you arrive and they look nothing like their pictures, or you don’t click AT ALL face to face, do bear in mind that this is still a person with feelings. Stay for one drink and make polite conversation before you bolt.

Practice makes perfect

The more dates you go on, the better you’ll become at establishing whether you might want to see more of someone based on your conversation over coffee. Not only that, but you’ll become a better date yourself too. You’ll be able to build a bank of go-to funny stories to tell and interesting, relevant questions to ask, while knowing to keep the super-personal info out of the conversation.

Follow up quickly

Keep it simple – if you like them let them know. People appreciate those who are upfront and there’s no point faffing with the ‘two day delay’.

 

Whether you stay within HelloYou to contact them or have exchanged personal contact details by this point, it doesn’t really matter. Just a message to say you had fun and you’d like to see them again will do the trick.

If you don’t hear back…

Unfortunately, not every date will be a winner. If you’ve followed up and your date doesn’t seem so keen, you’ve got to learn to let it go. This is another case of practice makes perfect, because although it’s always going to hurt a bit, the more this happens the thicker your skin will become. Don’t bug them for an explanation if they don’t give one, and once they’ve made up their mind they probably won’t change it. There are millions of other people dating online so try not to get hung up on that one who doesn’t want to be with you! You’re only wasting time that could be spent finding the one who does. Likewise, don’t keep someone else hanging if you’re not too keen on them yourself. Let them down kindly, and then move swiftly on! Try to remember to keep things light and breezy, and not get too caught up overall.

Autumn Date Ideas

As September rolls in and we wave goodbye to summer and its rooftop bar, picnic in the park dates, we've got a whole new selection of autumn appropriate dates planned out for you. Whatever romance vibes take your fancy, here are a variety of suggestions for the next couple of months: 

Free Films at the Scoop

Whoever said open-air cinema was contingent on a balmy evening? Chillier weather is all the better for snuggling closer to your date anyway. Already underway over by London Bridge, there are three films a week playing at 19.30 until September 24th - and it's FREE to attend. Cheap daters rejoice! Features that will be playing include The Theory Of Everything, Still Alice and Zoolander (aka catering to all tastes); food and comfy cushions are  available to buy there. For full details, click here.

V&A

The beautiful building that houses the vast collection of the V&A is enough to qualify for a brilliant date destination in itself. Whether you and your date share an interest in the artistic histories of the museum's autumn exhibitions on Indian Storytelling or the History of Shoes (not just for ladies; this is a collection that I HIGHLY RECOMMEND!) or you just want to check out one of London's most famous institutions, the V&A is a brilliant place to spend a date. Follow up your culture with a slice of cake in its incredibly ornate cafe downstairs. 

Deer-Spotting in Richmond Park

While Richmond Park can feel a little too off the beaten track for those of us who aren't Sheen locals, it's certainly worth travelling out to for a crispy leafed, snugly jacketed stroll one weekend.

If that's not a tempting view I don't know what is. Whether it's sunny and cold or plain old cloudy and cold, the huge expanses of space in Richmond are so unique in London that they inevitably make for a backdrop to truly lovely days out, especially when they feature the herds of deer that roam within the park. Treat your date to coffee and cake at nearby Petersham Nurseries afterwards.  

Merge Festival

This is another option for those of you looking to get out and about and make the most of London. Merge is an annual festival running from 18th September-18th October, that involves performances, installations and general happenings in the Bankside that draw their inspiration from the rich heritage and contemporary culture of the area. Details of individual events can be found on the festival website. And if the idea of a funky filled month of art and creativity doesn't draw you in, could I tempt you by the fact that most of the events are free? 

Inhale your drink at Alcoholic Architecture

Step back in time/ into a literal cloud of alcohol at notoriously wacky bar Bombas and Parr's latest installation; a walk-in cloud of breathable cocktail. As the bar itself is located on the site of an ancient monastery, the drinks list is comprised entirely of spirits and beers created by monks; Chartreuse, Benedictine and Buckfast - a fortified wine against which Scotland's parliament is allegedly passing laws to stop it entering their country - to name a few. Don't worry about becoming too intoxicated - you're only allowed to be inside for 50 minutes, and breathing in the cloud is only equivalent to one drink. I might not recommend this one for a first date (unless you're feeling particularly adventurous) but it's a very unique and fun place to try at some point.

The Thames Festival

Totally Thames brings the river to life with a month-long season of river-related events: art, music, open days, talks, walks and boats galore. Browse the events on their website - there are literally too many great ones on offer to know what to recommend, although TimeOut has given it a go! There are discounts and deals for riverside dining and 2 for 1 tickets on river transport - i.e. a romantic river cruise followed by dinner overlooking the twinkling city lights... Is there anything more romantic? 

Open House London

London's annual nosy-parker dream weekend is happening on September 19th and 20th: the chance to go into some of the city's most intriguing and iconic buildings that are usually closed to the public. Most destinations are free; all you need to do is show up. Browse their website to choose which buildings you'd most love to go into and plan your day by location or type of building. This is a fun and unique way to spend a date, and offers loads of conversation topics between you and your date. 

Pop Art at the Tate Modern

Last art feature I promise, but the highly anticipated World Goes Pop exhibition is another one not to be missed. Won't your date be impressed by your vast artistic intrigue and knowledge?! Celebrating Western consumer culture with its bright, bold displays, the exhibition also highlights the role that this art movement played in political dissent across the world in the 1960s and 70s. Plus, after a whizz round the exhibition you'll find yourselves wonderfully close to the buzzing Southbank and its endless riverside happenings. The perfect chance for you to get involved in the Thames festival! 

Alice in Wonderland Inspired Drinks

QUICKLY - the quirkiest of summer pop-ups comes in the form of Chambord Chapter Eight Games, which will be in full swing from 10th-13th September in Dalston. Find the special door and emerge into a world of curious delights, highlights of which include delicious cocktails, scrumptious French-American burgers from Le Bun and, naturally, flamingo croquet. A game that few can play well but most of us can take an optimistic crack at, an evening of croquet is surprisingly enjoyable when spend sipping on a raspberry liqueur cocktail. 

So with that diverse selection of date ideas to keep you busy for the next few months, make sure you've signed up to HelloYou to find yourself a special someone to enjoy them with!

Dating Pre-Internet vs. Dating Today

We'll be the first to champion the digital revolution that lets us talk, travel and date from the comfort of our homes. However, there is still value in remembering what the dating scene looked like pre wi-fi, and even, dare I say it, bringing a little of that old-fashioned, chivalrous formality back to romance. Let's face it, with the rise of swipe-to-date apps, the first throws of love aren't quite as romantic as they once were, and in general, dating etiquette seems to have gone downhill...

That means we could all do with a little more door-opening, gift-exchanging, home-cooked-dinner dating and a little less grammatically incorrect, wink emoji peppered messages back and forth. There's nothing wrong with a well placed emoji, but balancing it out with some timeless chivalry would never go amiss... 

Here are a few examples of what dating used to look like. We wouldn't mind welcoming some of these back to the present day!

The men did all the work

With no forms of communication other than a home phone call or a written letter, you'd have to be decisive and proactive to score a date. Gender roles were still fixed solidly at knight in shining armour and damsel in distress until the days of mainstream androgynous fashion and the legalisation of homosexual marriages, which meant that it fell to the masculine, breadwinning protector to court the vulnerable and sensitive lady of his affections. He'd plan the date, invite her out and pay for the whole event; no question.

Dating was far more mysterious

Mysterious in a good way! Without Google to check out your date's life story or the menu of the restaurant he's taking you to, dating would have held a lot more spontaneity. Without texting or Facebook for him to thank you for a lovely evening or invite you out again, he'd have to get creative and jot down notes or call your landline if he wanted another date.

You’d both dress the part

Without the chance to text back and forth to establish whether you liked someone, the date was everyone's first point of call, so this meant giving a good first impression. This means suited and booted for him and modest flowered dresses for her; no hoodies, scuffed trainers or ripped jeans. Depending on how far back we're talking, some ladies might have even been squeezing into corsets or powdering their faces pasty white to impress the lads (think Elizabeth Bennet and Mr Darcy). 

Zero chance of sex on a first date

Dating back then would be a case of spanx-esque granny pants rather than your best underwear for the 'just in case' scenarios that are common in our more liberal present day society. You could expect many more dates of chatting and getting to know each other before sealing the deal. In the glorious hey-day of those pre lad-culture years, there'd be no sexual innuendo or crude, suggestive comments to make you feel awkward, and less pressure on the man to keep busy in the bedroom. Men would dip their hats to ladies, and your date would stand each time you returned from powdering your nose; compared to the eye-contact allergy that so many men seem to suffer from nowadays, every date would have you feeling Like A Natural Woman.  

No waiting in a bar

There'd be no tube commute to the restaurant or chilly nightbus journey home afterwards; a gentleman would collect his date from her house and walk her safely home at the end of the night. He wouldn't be late, because there was no WhatsApp he could use to let her know, and chances are he'd bring her flowers as part of that vital first impression I was talking about before. 

You'd be waiting in by the phone

Nowadays women are equally susceptible to the 'should I call him' decision as men are! While I'm 100% for that equality, back in those days it would be entirely up to the man. The woman would simply have to wait in by her chunky phone if she wanted to be sure to take his call. 

Only have eyes for you…

No digital communication means no easy access to the opposite sex; ergo no casual flirting with or pining over someone else while you were dating. There'd be no porn sites, none of the temptation of an ex’s Facebook profile, no phones ringing or friends texting during your date; you’d have each others undivided attention. Fingers crossed your date wouldn't be a bore. 

What do you miss about pre-technology dating? What DON'T you miss? Go to HelloYou to get started on a modern-day dating journey for free today.