15 Signs You've Been Single Too Long

1.You only have baked beans or Pot Noodles in your cupboard: 

You’re now actually considering those cans that have an entire English breakfast inside them (yes, these exist). The idea of cooking for more than one is baffling.

2. Besides, you rarely even eat at the table anymore:

Sofa, bed, bathtub… Crumbs, crumbs everywhere.

3. You start Facebook stalking your exes:

And comparing yourself to their new partner… CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF. This is going nowhere positive.

4. Your ex no longer refers to you as his ex:

He’s had about four girlfriends since you were together; you’re lucky if he even remembers your surname.

5. Nobody dares ask about your dating life anymore: 

This includes extended family members who you haven’t seen in God knows how long. You were single at Aunt Joan’s 87th, so they all know to keep quiet about it now that she must be pushing 90.

6. You ‘starfish’ across the entire bed: 

You can barely even remember which is ‘your side’ anymore. Either you’re spooning one of your pillows to replace a significant other, or you’ve totally given in and now sleep centre stage with limbs stretched out to the maximum.





7. When you tell people how long you’ve been single, they gasp:

They don’t even pretend to hide their shock; they know that YOU know how bad it is too.

 8. No one bothers to offer you a plus one anymore:

And to be honest, you’re slightly relieved. It let’s you off having to take the snob from work as your date, who goes on about wanting to ‘do Africa properly one day’ as he brushes back his receding hairline and comments in French on the depth of the wine.




9. You start missing your ex: 

So he’s in prison now, is that really so bad? Surely you can let the little things slide…

10. You’ve begun to hate people in relationships with an alarming intensity:

You also detest anything to do with love. This means you’re in forced hibernation for the two months either side of Valentine’s Day for risk of destroying shop displays in a blind rage.




11. ‘2 for £10’ meal deals are go-to dinners for you alone



12. You've gone off Sundays: 

They were only invented for smug couples who want to laze in bed with the paper and go for cosy pub lunches, anyway. Who knew you’d ever get sick of twelve-hour stints in front of Netflix in your pyjamas?

13. Your dating standards drastically drop:

The guy with a parole tag on his ankle was sweet in his own way.

 14. Your Internet search history becomes something to be deeply ashamed of: 

May even include egg/sperm-freezing research.

15. Your call history paints a tragic picture: 

Mum, dad, mum, dad… Peppered with the occasional check in from a friend.




GET BACK OUT THERE, all you have to do is say Hello…